When the flames refuse to die

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

夜裡有風　風裡有我　我擁有什麼
雲跟風說　風跟我說　我能向誰說

As one of the supporting members in my circles of friends, I am privy to many inside stories and information.  Friends, new and old, tend to confide in me their struggles and anxieties and I try my best to lend an hear or hand.  Sometimes, all they need is someone to share a piece of their mind.  Other times, I offer a word or 2 of advice or often, even a nod of acknowledgement is enough.  But the stories generally do end with me.

I was raised to be honest and trained to be just.  Any secret or sensitive information imparted to me can usually be assured to rest with me.  Occasionally, it can be overwhelming, but I have learned to deal with the pent up pressure, having solace in the thought that others will similarly hold my private conversations with specially regards.

不想從前　不談未來　我為誰等待
不要你懂　不怕人說　讓愛隨風沈默

Even when I do divulge tidbits of information, it is just that, minute and generic.  The only juicy gossip I openly share are the stories that are retold by the individual(s) themselves.  Take P & A for instance.  They have been harboring an ongoing feud for the last few months.  Neither side will step back or try to understand the other's point of view.  Both, of course expect an apology from the other.  At this point, all of our friends are aware of their conflict and trade stories and ideas to help them find a remedy.  Alas, it has been to no avail.

你是我胸口永遠的痛　
南方天空飄著北方的雪
熱情凍結在　冷冷風中

And then there's S and her dilemma.  She only shares with those who ask and it has become more and more apparent that she has not been dealing with her break-up as well as we had thought she did.  It's a little harder to piece together her story as we are not sure who know what and how much.  However, a few of us did notice that she sometimes still does pine for her old flame.  He paid her a visit recently and even though she was very brave to refuse his gestures to become reacquainted again, we can see the tears well up in her eyes as she forced the no out.

你是我胸口永遠的痛　永遠的痛    
昨夜的夢　留給明天　明天

I guess she really does love him and it is such a pity he cannot comprehend it.  I doubt he realizes it or he would not, no should not, let her go on so heart-broken.  All the rest of us can do is lend an ear or give a hug.  Unfortunately, we can't fill that void he left.  I can't understand completely, only lyrically.  I suppose it is akin to a lingering pain, like a wound that refuses to close.  So I keep my flame burning, ready to help her seal the wound when the time is right.  In this case, I hope the end is near.

2013

Another new year, another new me.

2010 was adventurous.  Many friends and outings
2011 was exciting.  Lots of new experiences.
2012 was tumultuous.  Lots of changes.
2013 is a mixed bag.  Some good, some bad.

But it's still very early and there may be many positive things around the bend.  I have met quite a few new faces since New Year's Eve, though not all have stuck around or worth getting to know further.  The old faces have been coming around again which is a pleasure.  There are also some new activities in the works and statuses to share as well.

Last quarter, S and her friends started a weekly Walking Club at one of the local parks.  I attended a couple and so far it has been fun and nice to exercise again, even when the nights are cold.  There are plenty of other people who convene at the park to walk, jog, or run, so it doesn't feel deserted, although it wouldn't hurt for the city to turn on all the lights either.

S and I were also talking about starting up the old Supper Club again.  Probably once a quarter like the college days.  We already began collecting and testing out some interesting recipes.  S takes the cake on this aspect as I am merely a sous chef at most.  Between the handful of us, we have a number of cook books to flip through and be inspired.  We also pooled our resources together and will likely take turns hosting events.

As far as the good news goes, C and her beau are getting hitched soon.  They already have the outfits picked out and are finalizing the venue.  I hope they choose a classy place with a decent size dance floor.  It is very exciting to be included in parts of the planning and celebration.

I am definitely looking forward to see what the Water Snake brings.  Hope it will take us for a joyous ride from under the grips of the Dragon to an exotic island full of pleasant surprises.  Will check back next year.

Happy New Year!

新年快樂!

Change, Change, Change

So many changes this last year. I've been swapping entertainment partners and started dating again, only to find out I no longer want to date. I just want to be with one guy. The guy. My guy. Can't say I saw this coming. Me and S had so many convictions on how to deal with such issues, and I find that as I face them, I so readily am prepared to shun my own rules. What has the world come to? And yet, I continue to have no regrets and very little shame. Oy.

So many changes this year. S is leaving the tri-city area and heading towards the other edge of our valley. It definitely won't be the same without her nearby. I might have to update more often since she will be but a finger tip away. Or a phone call. Maybe even a short hop on the freeway, but that is beside the point.

So many changes next year. I have to start focusing on my career again and finish some courses that I looked into. Need to cut down on lag time and perfection too, hence the choppy posts. Got to be quick in my mind and on my feet so I can fit everything in my schedule. These last few years have been slow paced and relaxing, but the clock still ticks away relentlessly.

Most of the time change is difficult, but sometimes it is good. Sometimes, really good. People can't be afraid of change, otherwise, we will never evolve. After all, we can't have improvements without some sort of change. We can just hope it is for the better and be ready to embrace it or overcome it if it proves to be otherwise.

It's been awhile.....

Happy New year!

So I've been seeing this guy for a few months, which is partly why I've been MIA (but really, I've just been lazy). He actually made me forget about the others, well, not exactly, but figuratively speaking, yes. Perhaps it would be more fitting to say that he makes me want to forget the other guys. Having someone new made me reflect on the reasons why the others did not work out. I'm still not sure as to why I'm so drawn to the current flame. It's not just because he's new or exceptionally hot. But I did choose him. As cheesy as this may sound, he is unlike the other guys, although he is a regular guy. More importantly, he makes me happy. It makes me sad when he is not happy. The future is unclear at the moment, but at least I do not foresee an end. It's a new beginning and a new year. I hope the story continues to unravel and there is a happy ending. I am still a romantic after all.

=)

Old friends, New faces

So a couple of weeks ago, I ran into my childhood bff. She recently had her first kid and it just seemed so strange to me, even though I knew she was married and many of our peers were already married with children. She looked the same as she had since college, but somehow, it felt like we were light years apart. She's so ready for family life and here I am still single and restless. Sigh!



A few days ago, I met a nice young, but not too young gentleman. Unfortunately, I am terrible with names and faces. I sometimes remember one or the other but not both. Or rather, what they wore or liked, if it stood out. In this case, I absolutely cannot recall his name - not even the first letter. And I only have a vague recollection of his portrait. Sigh!



All I can say is that he is Asian, tanned, sensible, intelligent and attractive in a geeky way. I was at a market and he steered me away from a cart run amuck. It was nice to be in someone's arms again, even if it were brief and a stranger's. His face brushed against mine, and well, that's all I can think about since. I believe I did manage a, 'Thank you." Perhaps he'll remember my face when we do meet again. Sigh!

Close Your Eyes

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

And I'll Kiss You,
Tomorrow I'll Miss You,
Remember, I'll Always Be True.


Of course I still think about him. Maybe not as frequently nor as intensely as previous, but how can I forget?


I'll Pretend That I'm Kissing,
The Lips I Am Missing,
And Hope That My Dreams Will Come True.


I'm a romantic. Not hopeless. Just persistent. And unrelenting. Even if I know better. Even if the world says otherwise. For I cannot surrender. I've invested too much.


And While You're Away,
We'll Write Home Everyday,
And I'll Send All My Loving to You.


I will cherish the past and look forward, towards the future. And I'll miss him. Because I am missing him. And I still believe.

=(

Nostalgic. Pain.

Xin Tong

Shen me shi ai?
Shen me you shi wu nai?
Wu yan de xiang dui,
Wo shi fo yi ming bai?

Man man, zhou shang ni de mian qian,
Mo jing ni de shou,
Jiang ren zhe yan lei dui ni,
Shuo sheng, zhen zhong.

Yi wei wo men de ai,
Hui liu quan zai shi jie,
Yi wei wo men de shi yan,
Hui zhi dao yong yuan,

Shui zhi zuo ye meng li de ni,
Zao yi jing bu shi ni,
Cong ci, wo ye bu zhai shi,
Zi ji.

******

Shen me shi ai?
Shen me you shi wu nai?
Wu yan de xiang dui,
Wo shi fo yi ming bai?

Man man, zhou shang ni de mian qian,
Mo jing ni de shou,
Jiang ren zhe yan lei dui ni,
Shuo sheng, zhen zhong.

Yi wei wo men de ai,
Hui liu quan zai shi jie,
Yi wei wo men de shi yan,
Hui zhi dao yong yuan,

Shui zhi zuo ye meng li de ni,
Zao yi jing bu shi ni,
Wo ye bu zai shi
Zi Ji!

Yi wei yuan fang de feng,
Hui cui shang wo de tong,
Wo yi wei huang he de tian bian,
You ke wang de wen rou,

Zhi shi, zhe ge dui ni de xin,
Cong ci, mei you ren neng dong,
Ren zai wo xin tong de meng,
Piao liu!