Reflection

I just re-read the message prior to the message that came before the previous and realized that that type of reaction happens quite often.  I don't know if it is a good thing.  Sometimes it seems to cause more agony and mixed feelings than excitement and fulfillment.  Only sometimes.

Happy 2009!

Well, I lasted to the New Year, which was my goal, well mostly, well sorta.  You know, it's just not fun playing by oneself.  humph.  Engaging another doesn't really hurt, right?  Right?  What really matters is that, I demonstrated integrity during the designated time period.  Besides, it's not like it was a single-sided ordeal.  

Now, for the other thing, do short messages count as a full turn?  I'm tired of being the best hider.  Especially when I stopped liking that game eons ago.  I should tell the players my rules, but they should know by now, or at least know that they should ask if it is unclear.

We'll see what this New Year brings eh?

Check-up

Temptation - check
Desire - check
Discipline - double check.....lol I mean check, check.

So far, so good. I am intent on being a good girl this Christmas. Of course, the hard part hasn't arrived yet. Laughs intently at internal jokes.

And now I'm elated - but for an entirely different reason. ^ _ ~

Green

I used to flirt with this weird guy in college. He was on the slim side, which is usually a turn-off for me, but I found him particularly interesting because he displayed interest in me. That and he had a bubbling personality that was hard to ignore.

We met during Freshman Orientation. He was very excited about our program and chosen course path, talking a mile a minute as he tried to get everyone up to his level and insisted we should all hang out as a group. I was rather tired that morning and thus reserved, so he picked on me the most. Fast forward to the first day of instructions, when whom should I see but said guy in my very first class. Not only did he recognize me from 10 rows up, but he also remembered my name. He hollered until I waived back. Fortunately, I was never early to class, so I generally sat in the back and out of sight for the remainder of the term.

After that class, we ran into each other every once in awhile. He always insisted we kick it together, but we never got past the abrupt email exchanges. I didn't see him again until Senior year when we took the same class yet again. He hadn't changed much; same thin guy with large eyes and a somewhat high voice - total turn-off. Not that there is anything wrong with big eyes, but he had a slight staring problem. And when you returned the look, he would blink rapidly and bounce them away. There was just an odd vibe from him. My friends who have met him all agree.

Then I found out that his research quarter was down the hall from mine, so we saw each other even more frequent. We exchanged numbers but didn't get together. Everytime I saw him, he would say, "Let's hang out. I'll call you." But it never happened, and I sure as heck was not going to initiate it. That, and each time this occurred, he was with a different girl. Granted, I was not hot for him, but envy is envy and guys become more attractive when they appear less available. Or maybe it's just me.

Well, finally he did call, and we went out a couple of times but it never ended well. Nary without a little quibble or full out vocal brawl. He felt uncomfortable because I was too quiet. I couldn't help it; my defensive mode kicks in once a date is confirmed. He said he used to be the same and I, recalling Orientation, questioned his sincerity. I was uncomfortable letting him pick up the tabs. But when I offered to go dutch he became offended. In the midst of all this, I mentioned that I was not interested in a relationship at the moment, and he questioned my sexuality.

After college, we didn't stay in touch at all. Thinking back, it wouldn't have worked out. We were too different. He prefering the outdoors and I being a couch potato. He seemed almost completely White-washed whilst I kept my roots submerged. That, plus the lean demeanor, childish voice, and posse of girls. Perhaps it was just a simple meal or drink with a co-worker, friend, or classmate. I wouldn't know. There were no introductions which only sustained my suspicions. I can't help it. The Green-eyed monster is hard to disguise.

But I digress. As it so happened, I bumped into him at dinner last night. Afterwards, he suggested we go for Thai tea. No one else answered, so I said okay, since there was a place down the street. Just as we headed towards the door, this girl steps out of the restroom and said she was ready to go. That was that. Of course, he motioned he would call me. Yeah, try 5 years ago when you actually had my number!


On a side note, he did look slightly less thin. But arm candy is still a definite NO.


On an unrelated note, I finally conquered my fear of snakes. We were out in a green neighborhood and one came at my sister. I found a long stick and was able to pick it up and flick it into a bush before wondering if I should have killed it first, since this was a residential area. It happened all too quickly. The snake was a short, plump, purple and grey. Likely a baby and definitely not a rattler, so unsure if it was even poisonous. Possibly someone's new pet boa?

Trekking

Down memory lane.....

So, I've started listening to old songs from way back again. Haven't really thought about old classmates and friends though, at least not more than a quick where are they now bubble. Think I just wanted to make sure I am still myself. I prefer to move forward, but at the same time, I don't want to shed all my layers completely. I mean, I'd like to think that I'm still the same girl I was a decade ago, albeit a bit less reserved and slightly more fashionable. Nothing wrong with change but it would be weird to wake up one day and realize you're a completely different person than you had been so and so years ago - even if the changes were gradual. Perhaps it's because I've reached another milestone. Perhaps it's because the current world of rock n pop has begun to dwindle again. Or maybe I just miss those old songs, because they still sound darn good.

=x

Let it be known, that:

I will be strong,
I won't be silly,
I will survive,
And walk sans frills.

Marshmallow Fudge

Autumn Dilemma

Ah Fall, the beginning of Primetime Series and Sports Season - a couch potato's dream. Speaking of which, in sports, when a colored flag or card is shown, people take heed. Yellow = foul, red = dismiss. It's particularly unrelenting in Soccer, where a red card not only means out, but no replacement either. Then why is it that in real life, one hesitates amidst the same warnings. On the last count, 4 flags of mine have been raised (3 yellow; 1 red). The yellows, I can handle, but the red should have been a direct sign to steer clear. Perhaps it is because, in spite of the tendency to prefer whole numbers, we still think in fractions. So really, I only see 3+ flags (2 1/2 yellow; 3/4 red). Terrible.

On an unrelated note, I asked for a sign and got one. Yet I'm not thrilled as I imagined I would be. In fact, just thinking about it makes me more sad. There was a flutter of delight when I first realized it, but not like before. Perhaps it was too simple, as I reckoned the flair of the end product would be directly proportional to the length of the wait. Perhaps it was my surrounding and mood. Either way, I refuse to even consider that I have moved on, especially not for a would be fling.