Who is my Secrect Asian Man you ask? Drum roll: Funny, cuz I wonder as well. Oh! Well, it's partially true. You see, I have a back-up. You know, that person you get along with, whom you wouldn't mind shacking up with for the rest of your half life. Only, come to think about it, I haven't seen or heard from him for ages. College to be exact - the early years. Furthermore, he was more like my One than my other one.
I first met him in Fourth Grade. We went to the same school and per chance, bumped into each other one long, fateful day. He was in love with a new girl whose family had just moved to town. We had a nice heart to heart where I learned pretty much every ounce of detail about him that I could draw out. Those bits of conversation are the only things I can accurately recall from that day. After a good length of time, we decided he should profess his love for her, shook hands and sealed our friendship. Er, well, I think he more or less patted me on the shoulder and said, "Thanks for listening. See ya around kid." Or something to that effect.
Ever so often, I did see him around campus and sometimes on the way home from school. He would smile and wave. And I would wave back, frantically, quite ecstatic that a Junior High student took notice of me. Eventually, I came round to meeting this girl he was still crushing on. She was very charming and friendly as he had introduced me as his Lil Sis. He was preppy and clean-cut, while she sported the trendy spirals of a popular perm. They looked so good together; he handsome, she adorable. It took them awhile to get together, but it was inevitable and for the next couple of years, I both admired and aspired to their level of passionate, innocent love. Then they entered High School and I was left behind, still full of regard for my perfect couple.
One day in Sixth Grade, while wandering off on an especially uncaptivating lecture, I thought about Sam and that long talk on that one afternoon. The more I thought about him, the more I realized that he was the ideal man for me. This was more than a crush. I liked everything about him. The way he looked, the way he dressed, his mannerism, even his flaws. In fact, his flaws made him more desirable - like a hero with conflicted ideals. I admired the commaderie between him and his boys. It was cute that he pined for his girl and beat himself up when he did something that made her angry. I especially adored his passion for academics and community service and how he struggled to juggle them because he could not whole-heartedly devote himself to one without neglecting the other. Even the slight crookedness of his smile was captivating.
It wasn't until Ninth Grade that I finally saw him again. I was devastated to learn that he and Lan were on a break. Her family had moved back to their hometown and the distance was a daunting obstacle - this being the pre-cellular age and all. At the same time, I felt shamefully hopeful that I might have a chance to step into her role. Thus, I was elated when he spotted me at the Spring Fling and asked me to dance with him. And for a long time, that was the only moment I enjoyed dancing with the opposite sex. Shortly after that, he would graduate and leave my bubble, but not before half jokingly proposing to be my back-up. If memory serves me correctly, the conversation went like this: Hey, remember last week on [some show where some character] talked about having a back-up if they don't get married by 30? Well, maybe we can do that. You're not that much younger than me, so if we don't meet anyone in college, then it'll be you and me. How about it? Um, okay. I guess so. Yeah, when we're old, like when we're 30. Smile and nod. How happy was I? I cannot, however, for the life of me remember the show that sparked this idea.
And then it was three long years in high school without him. Threes are much more terrible than twos. But I was optimistic and I held out for him even though I did not have to. Even though I knew he would not have wanted me to. I held on to that vague promise throughout University. I would have sporadic dreams about him, us, which only inflated my hope even more so. And I only saw him once during that entire period.
It was Sophomore year, I think. He remembered where I lived and passed by my parent's house while visiting friends. As luck would have it, I happened to be home that weekend and we took a walk downtown to catch up on the each other's lives. He was taller than I remembered. Much more mature and as handsome as ever. I felt like a kid next to him. That same Elementary School kid looking up at a, now, cool young adult. Of course, he told me that he and Lan were back together again, and I was quite happy for them. They really do make a good couple. I didn't have to curb my disappointment because I was stoked that I got to see him again. It was just a quick chat as we both had plans. We exchanged dorm stories and he gave me some pointers on surviving college. Then we parted and I have been kicking myself for not getting his contact info. I didn't have a cell phone yet, but we certainly could have swapped emails. Nevertheless, I have faith that he will be able to seek me out when he returns. Afterall, my parents still live in the same spot.
But now, I am quickly approaching that magical number and wondering if anything will happen or if I have been a fool for waiting this long. This was, afterall, supposed to be a second thought. A fall back plan gone awry, sucking up a good portion of my time in the process. As a result, I have only half-heartedly flung myself into the dating scene every now and then. Particularly, at moments when the string I'm gripping onto is so thin that it appears invisible. People think it is apathy towards marriage or the male of the species, but in truth, I'm just holding back. Just like when one is out shopping for the latest electronic toy. You want to make sure it's the latest one with all the specs you could possibly want, even if you don't need it, because there is that faint chance you may use it later. I want options but I also do not want to settle.
